I have much to think even when there is nothing to think.
I am all alone by myself.
I have neither possession nor properties.
And I neither crave for them nor envy others' belongings.
Friends,walk in and out of my life
Some remains for some paragraph,
Some for few chapters,
Rarely till the end of the story.
I have my feelings,
Not many bothered of my existence,
I have grown in my loneliness,
I learnt to enjoy silence.
Trust, is a slow poison.
Too much can kill with time,
People have their intention,
The truth may hurt deeply.
I have seen people,
And their hidden sides too,
I've been turned down by many,
My world is full of friendly strangers.
Survival itself a question for me,
I'm strolling through the path of darkness,
I depend on the moonlight,
But the rays aren't available every night.
No matter how much people understand me,
They still don't understand me,
My world is totally different than their world.
Thus, it's never their fault.
I'm tired of everything,
I'm tired of everyone,
I don't sense my belonging here,
Here in this world, every second is a challenge.
A coward may step back,
I'm born princess, one of the rare gem,
I've the heart to face challenge,
I believe God's my Guide.
But here, there is no hope,
There is no expectation,
There is only a wish,
And that is to return to the Absolute.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
That's why I love him very much.
Life is often unfair. Losing our loved ones isn't easy. We all are mortal, and we have to die one day. Death is only for the body. Memory shall be cherished forever because memories are eternal and imperishable. It is really a big challenge if you lose your parents at the young age. For a girl like me, losing father means more like losing protection. The feeling of grief is not easily understood by others who are not undergoing the same situation. No matter how much consolation we shall receive, grief remains grief. Sometimes, people mistaken us for being negative, but they just don't get our real feeling. Talking is a real easy job. Now, my father really meant a lot to me. He's gone for about one and half years now but I still cry at night thinking about him.
My father only lived up to his fifties. He wasn't any important person, but he was very significant for me. As far as I remember, I never forget to pray for him. He was a blue collar worker, a real workaholic. My mum never really liked this particular habit of him so they often argue. My mother complained he never brings her out for much outing. I enjoyed every outing with my father, even if was only to the nearby supermarket. I don't know why but going out with my father was really a fun factor for me.
I am not a very cuddly type. I am not the type who like to show physical love but my love was very much abstract. So did my father and perhaps I've inherited that from him. My love was always simple. I opened door for him when he came back from work, sometimes at 5pm and sometimes later in night. His work has irregular working hour. Often he came back at 5 am, sometimes his work began at 12 am. Anyway, whenever he came back at 5 pm, for most of the time I would see him brought back 'pisang goreng' or other teatime food. I often get extremely worried if I didn't hear my father's key unlocking the gate. I would start to pray harder. I would go to bed early but I hardly sleep until my father safely return home.
My love for my father was by serving his lunch and then wash his plate. I collected his dry clothes and folded them back into the wardrobe. If I saw anything torn, I used to sew that neatly for him. Most of his shirts were my gifts for him during his birthdays. He hardly spend his money for his clothes. He would rather spend them on cans of beer. He said that thing helped him to overcome his tiredness. My father had worked very hard for all his life. Sometimes, I used to see back home, being fully soaked in black oil. He had to paint under burning sun on oil tanks. He didn't even owned any branded shoes. Most of the time he would be on his iron shoes, which he used in his workplace. He didn't have good spectacles to read. He used those worth Rm 1o which he obtained from the backstreet market.
My father loved music amplifiers. He spent his money on them, on Beegees, on Richard Cliff and other oldies. And I would sit and watch him doing karaoke. I still keep his belongings, though I don't know how to fix them back to make them function. I hugged my father's car for many times before I sold that off after his death. I still keep the last watch he bought for me though it is not functioning now. I had heart to throw away any of his belongings. They mean a lot for me.
I never directly asked anything from my father. All my needs shall used to undergo my mum. Now, she was like a medium. In fact, my father never said no for any of my requests. I never remembered him beating me for anything. The only thing I remember was he used to threat me with his belt, and that was only once. When I was in college, my father would speak to me almost everyday on phone. We didn't talked much. He would ask if I have ate and if I have money.
I am very bad at making decision. Whenever I went shopping with my father, I always asked him to chose for me. He chose clothes to my umbrella. He never hesitate to spend his money on buying the best thing for me but if I ask him to buy anything for him, he would go for the cheapest. During my freshie year at university, my father used to follow me all the way of 5 to 6 hours journey to Kuala Lumpur from Butterworth. He would accompany me until my college and then will walk away from there with his sling bag. All this is still vivid to my eyes.
Whenever I'm coming back for university break, he would cook special crab curry for me. We would eat together. He enjoyed with beer and me with lemon shandy. And I remember he would ask many of a time if his cooking were delicious, often requested me to compare them than that of my mother. I have to admit, he was a great cook but no matter how his cooking tasted, I always said they were delicious. He never scolded me even when my 'thosai' went out of shape.
My father was very protective of me. When I was in school, if any brat bully me today, the next day, she had to face my father. I remember went back home crying from driving school, the next day, my father went after the collar of the driving instructor. He reprimanded the poor driving instructor to teach me well, that why he was being paid.
I never went to kindergarten. My father was my first teacher. He taught me ABC and how to count. When I'm got a little bit more clever, he bought me exercise books. I remembered him waiting outside my classroom during the first day at school. He never let me walk alone from school, even when I was 19. He would leave his job to fetch me from school and tuition.
My father did not had any property but he lived like a king and he raised me like a princess. Whenever I hurt him unintentionally, I hurt myself too. My father was very good looking during his younger day. When he was older, he put on weight but yet he had the best facial features. He has the most captivating smile which I have exactly inherited. I had never find such a smile in any Indian men, not yet. Sometimes I find such a smile among Westeners.
I hardly see my father in worry or sadness. He spent when he had money, he remained silent when had no money. He bought us good food with his money, when he ran down of money, he cooked affordable good meals for us. He was always there when I badly to complain over something or someone. Never felt so comfortable with anyone before.
No one could love me like my father. If I'm ever destined to be someone in the future, I'm still questioning whether if he would anything similar? My father's love has no replacement. When my father was alive, there was no one more important than him to me. I love him very much and I could not forget him. No matter how well other people treat me, I still find that there is something missing. There was magic in my father, and I could not find it in others.
My father only lived up to his fifties. He wasn't any important person, but he was very significant for me. As far as I remember, I never forget to pray for him. He was a blue collar worker, a real workaholic. My mum never really liked this particular habit of him so they often argue. My mother complained he never brings her out for much outing. I enjoyed every outing with my father, even if was only to the nearby supermarket. I don't know why but going out with my father was really a fun factor for me.
I am not a very cuddly type. I am not the type who like to show physical love but my love was very much abstract. So did my father and perhaps I've inherited that from him. My love was always simple. I opened door for him when he came back from work, sometimes at 5pm and sometimes later in night. His work has irregular working hour. Often he came back at 5 am, sometimes his work began at 12 am. Anyway, whenever he came back at 5 pm, for most of the time I would see him brought back 'pisang goreng' or other teatime food. I often get extremely worried if I didn't hear my father's key unlocking the gate. I would start to pray harder. I would go to bed early but I hardly sleep until my father safely return home.
My love for my father was by serving his lunch and then wash his plate. I collected his dry clothes and folded them back into the wardrobe. If I saw anything torn, I used to sew that neatly for him. Most of his shirts were my gifts for him during his birthdays. He hardly spend his money for his clothes. He would rather spend them on cans of beer. He said that thing helped him to overcome his tiredness. My father had worked very hard for all his life. Sometimes, I used to see back home, being fully soaked in black oil. He had to paint under burning sun on oil tanks. He didn't even owned any branded shoes. Most of the time he would be on his iron shoes, which he used in his workplace. He didn't have good spectacles to read. He used those worth Rm 1o which he obtained from the backstreet market.
My father loved music amplifiers. He spent his money on them, on Beegees, on Richard Cliff and other oldies. And I would sit and watch him doing karaoke. I still keep his belongings, though I don't know how to fix them back to make them function. I hugged my father's car for many times before I sold that off after his death. I still keep the last watch he bought for me though it is not functioning now. I had heart to throw away any of his belongings. They mean a lot for me.
I never directly asked anything from my father. All my needs shall used to undergo my mum. Now, she was like a medium. In fact, my father never said no for any of my requests. I never remembered him beating me for anything. The only thing I remember was he used to threat me with his belt, and that was only once. When I was in college, my father would speak to me almost everyday on phone. We didn't talked much. He would ask if I have ate and if I have money.
I am very bad at making decision. Whenever I went shopping with my father, I always asked him to chose for me. He chose clothes to my umbrella. He never hesitate to spend his money on buying the best thing for me but if I ask him to buy anything for him, he would go for the cheapest. During my freshie year at university, my father used to follow me all the way of 5 to 6 hours journey to Kuala Lumpur from Butterworth. He would accompany me until my college and then will walk away from there with his sling bag. All this is still vivid to my eyes.
Whenever I'm coming back for university break, he would cook special crab curry for me. We would eat together. He enjoyed with beer and me with lemon shandy. And I remember he would ask many of a time if his cooking were delicious, often requested me to compare them than that of my mother. I have to admit, he was a great cook but no matter how his cooking tasted, I always said they were delicious. He never scolded me even when my 'thosai' went out of shape.
My father was very protective of me. When I was in school, if any brat bully me today, the next day, she had to face my father. I remember went back home crying from driving school, the next day, my father went after the collar of the driving instructor. He reprimanded the poor driving instructor to teach me well, that why he was being paid.
I never went to kindergarten. My father was my first teacher. He taught me ABC and how to count. When I'm got a little bit more clever, he bought me exercise books. I remembered him waiting outside my classroom during the first day at school. He never let me walk alone from school, even when I was 19. He would leave his job to fetch me from school and tuition.
My father did not had any property but he lived like a king and he raised me like a princess. Whenever I hurt him unintentionally, I hurt myself too. My father was very good looking during his younger day. When he was older, he put on weight but yet he had the best facial features. He has the most captivating smile which I have exactly inherited. I had never find such a smile in any Indian men, not yet. Sometimes I find such a smile among Westeners.
I hardly see my father in worry or sadness. He spent when he had money, he remained silent when had no money. He bought us good food with his money, when he ran down of money, he cooked affordable good meals for us. He was always there when I badly to complain over something or someone. Never felt so comfortable with anyone before.
No one could love me like my father. If I'm ever destined to be someone in the future, I'm still questioning whether if he would anything similar? My father's love has no replacement. When my father was alive, there was no one more important than him to me. I love him very much and I could not forget him. No matter how well other people treat me, I still find that there is something missing. There was magic in my father, and I could not find it in others.
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Best Sayings of Mahatma Gandhi
1. God has no religion.
2. You may never know what results may come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.
3. Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
4.Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
5. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
6.Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
7. You must be the change you want to see in the world.
8.Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning.
9.Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
10.To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.
2. You may never know what results may come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.
3. Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
4.Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
5. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
6.Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
7. You must be the change you want to see in the world.
8.Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning.
9.Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
10.To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Know Yourself, LADIES:) Know Your Women, GENTLEMEN
1. God has no religion.
2. You may never know what results may come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.
3. Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
4.Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
5. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
6.Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
7. You must be the change you want to see in the world.
8.Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning.
9.Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
10.To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.
2. You may never know what results may come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.
3. Whenever you are confronted with an opponent, conquer him with love.
4.Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
5. The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.
6.Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that you do it.
7. You must be the change you want to see in the world.
8.Men often become what they believe themselves to be. If I believe I cannot do something, it makes me incapable of doing it. But when I believe I can, then I acquire the ability to do it even if I didn't have it in the beginning.
9.Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.
10.To believe in something, and not to live it, is dishonest.
Monday, February 7, 2011
My Life as a 24 year old LADY
It's difficult and getting even difficult to live a life of 24 year old. It's made difficulty by presence of responsibilities. I'm tied to many things. Hehe, I'm still single but availability is not that easy. After my father passed away when I was 22, life had taught me much about life itself. The main content is that life is nothing but gaining independence and surviving for the title of 'somebody'. It's not easy especially when you are all alone. Many aspects can actually threat you, may it be financial security and even relationships. Thus, you can really expect pits here and there, and the journey isn't going to be smooth after all.
As a 24 year old, I've found many of my friends had already found their love life, mostly are in stable relationship. I'm still in playful mood and I don't find this 'my type of guy' . I guess my prince charming got lost somewhere in his journey to find me, his Princess. Hahaks, not a big deal, I will wait. I don't know if he will ever reach me. So this story is yet to be continued upon his arrival.
And talking about my career life, I can see that it has begun though I don't even have graduated yet. Ears are my business. Hmm, perhaps you might question me, do I need four years to study about ears? Well, actually this four years taught me of patience. The most important lesson was that I actually need to wait before earning the degree. The moral of the story is bachelor of degree is hard-earned. It costs four years of hard work, heartbreak, sleepless nights, scream, yells, and argh whatever it takes. More than all these, a scroll of degree prepares you to be more responsible, expressive and independent.
I'm not sure if I will ever make a good audiologist but I always want to do the best for my patient. At least, I hope I won't make any life-threatening mistake. Patients' satisfaction is my pleasure. I hope I can serve them better in all aspects. But, there's a lot more to learn. Life-long learning never going to stop. I'm still lack of skills but I know God The Provider, always provide me opportunities to make myself better. So I treat every single mistake as an opportunity to make myself better.
Being an audiologist doesn't necessarily mean a boring life. Not if you are an interesting person. Hahaks, I'm interesting, but it takes time and effort to know me better. I love making friends. I'm very talkative. At the age of 24 this year, I have already been dating guys but not anyone in particular whom I've found serious intention of building relationship.Blind dating can be dangerous, especially if you're dating someone from the social network but friends dating is slightly better. Dating not necessarily blooms into love relationship but at least it improves friendship. We get to know our guy friends better. I would describe dating as fun.
My appearance is really important for me and I seriously don't like anybody to downgrade my rights in maintaining those aspects. Appearance carries my confidence. It makes me look reliable in the eyes of my patients. I never bother about spending for personal hygiene and facial products because I always feel that those are good investment. I also has good sense of fashion and I don't really like to imitate others. I believe every woman has her right to be and feel beautiful. Naturally, I'm sexy, and what makes me more sexy is my CONFIDENCE.
In terms of family, the responsibility is just too big especially when you are still jobless and you have a family to look after. I feel I have suffered a lot at this young age. Some call me strong, others tried their best to assure me that my future is going to be better. Well, seriously I don't know and I don't want to keep any blind hope. Whatever may come, will come. Just hoping for my family's survival in this world. Things have been hard ever since my father passed away. We have lost the only bread winner. When you're 24, and you're a girl, you're single and you've lost father your protector, like me, survival is really a big challenge. The world always has its darker side and being cautious is very important.
I'm sad, I'm lonely and I feel insecure. And to distract all these negativity, I turn my mind to God. When we're in calamity, we tend to appreciate God better. My problems lead me to know God better. I've found my Shirdi Sai Baba, my spiritual teacher. Serving Him, is my greatest happiness. I want to help many other people who are suffering just like me with His grace. If i'm ever been endowed with some wealth, I wouldn't hesitate to dwell myself into charity. It is my dream to help women who had lost their source of dependence may it be their father or their husband. I want to build a support group because I knew how it feels to suffer all alone.
At the age of 24, I've decided that I'm not going to be like any ordinary woman, who falls in love, plans to get married and have family. I want to be just slightly different. And I know I'm one in a million.
As a 24 year old, I've found many of my friends had already found their love life, mostly are in stable relationship. I'm still in playful mood and I don't find this 'my type of guy' . I guess my prince charming got lost somewhere in his journey to find me, his Princess. Hahaks, not a big deal, I will wait. I don't know if he will ever reach me. So this story is yet to be continued upon his arrival.
And talking about my career life, I can see that it has begun though I don't even have graduated yet. Ears are my business. Hmm, perhaps you might question me, do I need four years to study about ears? Well, actually this four years taught me of patience. The most important lesson was that I actually need to wait before earning the degree. The moral of the story is bachelor of degree is hard-earned. It costs four years of hard work, heartbreak, sleepless nights, scream, yells, and argh whatever it takes. More than all these, a scroll of degree prepares you to be more responsible, expressive and independent.
I'm not sure if I will ever make a good audiologist but I always want to do the best for my patient. At least, I hope I won't make any life-threatening mistake. Patients' satisfaction is my pleasure. I hope I can serve them better in all aspects. But, there's a lot more to learn. Life-long learning never going to stop. I'm still lack of skills but I know God The Provider, always provide me opportunities to make myself better. So I treat every single mistake as an opportunity to make myself better.
Being an audiologist doesn't necessarily mean a boring life. Not if you are an interesting person. Hahaks, I'm interesting, but it takes time and effort to know me better. I love making friends. I'm very talkative. At the age of 24 this year, I have already been dating guys but not anyone in particular whom I've found serious intention of building relationship.Blind dating can be dangerous, especially if you're dating someone from the social network but friends dating is slightly better. Dating not necessarily blooms into love relationship but at least it improves friendship. We get to know our guy friends better. I would describe dating as fun.
My appearance is really important for me and I seriously don't like anybody to downgrade my rights in maintaining those aspects. Appearance carries my confidence. It makes me look reliable in the eyes of my patients. I never bother about spending for personal hygiene and facial products because I always feel that those are good investment. I also has good sense of fashion and I don't really like to imitate others. I believe every woman has her right to be and feel beautiful. Naturally, I'm sexy, and what makes me more sexy is my CONFIDENCE.
In terms of family, the responsibility is just too big especially when you are still jobless and you have a family to look after. I feel I have suffered a lot at this young age. Some call me strong, others tried their best to assure me that my future is going to be better. Well, seriously I don't know and I don't want to keep any blind hope. Whatever may come, will come. Just hoping for my family's survival in this world. Things have been hard ever since my father passed away. We have lost the only bread winner. When you're 24, and you're a girl, you're single and you've lost father your protector, like me, survival is really a big challenge. The world always has its darker side and being cautious is very important.
I'm sad, I'm lonely and I feel insecure. And to distract all these negativity, I turn my mind to God. When we're in calamity, we tend to appreciate God better. My problems lead me to know God better. I've found my Shirdi Sai Baba, my spiritual teacher. Serving Him, is my greatest happiness. I want to help many other people who are suffering just like me with His grace. If i'm ever been endowed with some wealth, I wouldn't hesitate to dwell myself into charity. It is my dream to help women who had lost their source of dependence may it be their father or their husband. I want to build a support group because I knew how it feels to suffer all alone.
At the age of 24, I've decided that I'm not going to be like any ordinary woman, who falls in love, plans to get married and have family. I want to be just slightly different. And I know I'm one in a million.
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